Watching the 2005 MTV Video Music Awards

08/30/05
written by: suj

Green Day opens the shindig and as per usual they are able to exemplify the term “Awesome”. Then comes the host that can boast the most attention with the changing of his name, the man they now call, Diddy. Sadly, he thinks he can dance and we are then made to whiteness the worst award show opening ever. Next year MTV, bring back a comedian to host I don’t care which one, hell ask Jimmy Fallon to host again at least he is able to bring with him a very entertaining opening. His musical spoofs a few years back (the ever-growing Enrique mole) was hilarious. Diddy must go. After the suckfest opening I was thinking about changing the channel, that is, until the first presenters were announced. They were Nelly and Lindsey Lohan, my focus leaned toward the latter. Even though Lohan has gotten considerably skinny (eat something, please) she still has that aura about her that just makes me want to seduce her with my charismatic charm and then watch (with her) the crazy antics Weasel Wyzell gets into on the first season of “Saved by the Bell: The New Class” on DVD.

Kelly Clarkson and Kanye West take home the first award of the night, respectively. Clarkson looks appeasing and makes we wait with anticipation for her performance. I listened to Kanye West’ newest album earlier (downloaded it) and it’s somewhat good (?). Missy Elliot and Ciara introduce Ludacris, and I can care less (though, ludacris put forth a great performance in the movie “Crash”). Diddy then gives away a very expensive watch to an audience member (thanks to the shows mantra “Anything can happen”) and in related news several audience members were taken to the hospital upon watch being given away. Diddy announces the “best dress award” and the corresponding nominees and since this is a Diddy award only people wearing Sean Jean apparel are nominated because after all if it’s not Sean Jean then what’s the point?

Orlando Bloom and Kristen Dunst (note: Elizabethtown will be awesome, it’s a fucking Cameron Crowe movie) come out to present the award for “Best Rock Video”. Green Day wins and I all I can say is My Chemical Romance was robbed. The Helena video is ten times better than the walking in front of a green screen while rubble gust past us, also know as the Boulevard of Broken Dreams video. I don’t hate Green Day or the video, it’s just the MCR video was poetic mastery. The DJ of the night, Grand Master Flash, asks the crowd the say “Ho!” and the crowd obliges. He asks again and the crowd obliges once more. And from what I can remember this goes one for quite sometime, but I’m not too sure because I walked out after the first “Ho!” to take a leak. When I returned Diddy was dancing again, doesn’t he know that he can’t dance worth shit? Hey Diddy, spend more time with Usher or hell Napoleon Dynamite.

Continuing with Diddy’s mantra of the night (anything can happen) comes a surprise performance by none other than MC “Fucking” Hammer. He dishes out a 30 second, badly remixed, rendition of "U Can't Touch This". It was somewhat cool; if only Vanilla Ice were there it would have been cool as ice. Get it “Cool as Ice” as in Vanilla Ice’ motion picture debut, man I am fucking hilarious. The Simpson sisters, Ashlee and Jessica come to the stage. Ashlee should just go outside, dig up a hole and then jump in while Jessica should just continue to get me excited by shaking that ass. Speaking of shaking that ass, Shakira performs.

Usher comes out to talk about some kind of dance-related thing which results in a dancing clown. What the fuck is going on? Perhaps if it were dancing robots I would have been intrigued. Then Eric Roberts comes to the stage and shamelessly plugs (like all rappers at award shows usually do) his nephews album that nobody cares about and nobody cares about Eric Roberts. Later, R Kelly’s one man show of “Trapped in the Closet” erupts onto the stage. The live audience is mesmerized, mesmerized in watching a career of a “talented” artist go up in flames. My inner monologue while watching this “performance”: What the fuck...Is this really happening...please tell me he just didn’t do that…He did do that…He really did do that…really what the fuck is going on. This performance was just terrible; if I wanted to see lip-syncing/acting I would have re-watched the SNL performance of the far more entertaining Ashlee Simpson. It was just horrible, a complete waste of airtime, airtime that could have easily been given to more ass shaking from the likes of Jessica Simpson and Shakira. By watching R Kelly’s live rendition of “Trapped in the Closet” I have come to the realization that if you piss all over a girl’s face you too can one day perform a child-written one-act play in front of a world wide audience and receive applause.

Hilary Duff and Joel Madden introduce the Murderers…oops I mean the Killers. Man were they a fucking hilarious couple (please note the sarcasm). Can both of you please join Ashlee Simpson in that freshly dug up hole and never return. As for the Killers performance, it was alright, enjoyed the hotel setting, it looked cool. Jailbird Lil’Kim and fucking Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven) walk onto the stage. Some talk about Kim’s jail sentence is spoken. On a related side note did anyone watch the last episode of Entourage? The show is getting good. Its fucking golden. Ari Gold is the fucking man. Somebody give Piven an Emmy. Then enter a tribute to the Notorious B.I.G. nothing to say here, but respect. Fall out Boy wins the MTV2 award, congrats dudes. Wentz sports a fucking wicked clandestine industries embroiled sports jacket, fucking cool dude. Even though I loved the fact Fall Out Boy won, it should have went to My Chemical Romance (and Fall Out Boy agrees) because once again the Helena video brought with it all kinds of rad.

Enter Latin and or “world” music melody. I changed the channel and watched the opening minutes to a rerun of Seinfeld. When I switched back Pharrel was on stage and introduced Coldplay. Know how I know you're gay? You like Coldplay. Kelly Clarkson wins the award for “Best Pop Video” and has trouble finding her way to the stage. She’s hot so it doesn’t matter. She can take as long as she wants. The more screen time, the better. Kanye West and Jamie Foxx take to the stage. I mean Kanye West and Oscar award winner Jamie Foxx take to the stage. They sing about gold diggers. Snoop Dogg introduces comedian Dane Cook, and he bombs. I love Dane Cook and I think he’s one the funniest mother fuckers around, but he bombed. And when Dane Cook bombs you know there is something wrong. Mariah Carry lip-syncs…I mean performs and it also seems she’s glued to the floor.

50 Cent performs and shows us how much of a badass he is as he drops as much expletives as he can. Censors had a good workload. 50 Cent please join Ashlee Simpson, Hilary Duff, and Joel Madden in the freshly dug up hole and never return. Diddy introduces another “surprise” performance from the likes of My Chemical Romance. Umbrellas opened plus dead ballerina girl makes for a grand performance. We are then introduced to dead air thanks to Paris Hilton and Bow Wow as they talk about the amount of jewelry their wearing. Nobody cares. People will only care about them if they make sequels to One Night in Paris and Like Mike. Jamie Foxx and Destiny Child come together to give away video of the year. Green Day wins, and by the looks on Foxx and Destiny Child’s faces they were expecting Kayne West. The closing performance is Kelly Clarkson singing “Since U Been Gone”. Make that the closing performance is Kelly Clarkson all soaking and wet singing “Since U Been Gone”. Kelly Clarkson will you marry me or at least par-take in the viewing of the movie Little Monsters (starring both Fred and Ben Savage) with me.

As for the Bevis and Butt-Head segments, all I can say is MTV either make a sequel to Do American or bring them back to series. The world needs the triumphant return of the Bevis and The Butt-Head.

In closing, for the most part, the show sucked. Diddy sucks as a host. MTV bring the show back to New York, and ask a comedian to host.